Day 115: BLAG!

I just wanna say that how the hell did my blog look like some trying hard, wanna-be showbiz reporter that my earlier contents were all about show business!!!

OMG. It hurts my eyes to read them that I even skipped reading LOL...how much more if I have a follower who actually reads this blog....so tacky!

BUT I am not deleting them for a simple reason that time and effort and some grammatically wrong English have been put there..so yeah, I am keeping them though I kind of want to cringe just thinking about

 "WHAT WAS I THINKING BACK THEN?!"

Day 114: Nanay Gloria

This is a dedication post for one of the most wonderful woman I know in this lifetime and I am lucky to have her as my lola.

Laki ako sa lola.

When Mama and Papa separated when I was 6 years old. We moved to Bataan and lived with Lola Gloria (we fondly call her "Nanay"). Ever since si Nanay ang kasama namin magkakapatid. Nagwowork kasi sa HK si Mama and every 2 years lang sya nakakauwi.

We spent our childhood and teenager years with Nanay. I guess Mama would understand if I say na Nanay knows us more than Mama. Alam nya ang gusto namin, ayaw pati mga kalokohan.

There was a time that Mama said in her letter na "let them go out and enjoy" - referring to us. I think at that time nagsabi si Nanay na mashado kaming mga gala (esp our eldest haha). Natatandaan ko Nanay got upset and everytime maglalakwatsa kami she would say "naku sabi naman ng Mama nyo go out and enjoy bahala kayo" hahaha..syempre at that time tiklop na kami magkakapatid kasi mainit na ulo ni Nanay.

But Nanay was one of those kind of lola na super supportive regardless of what is happening around her or how her children treat her. Kahit pasaway ang mga anak andyan si Nanay for all of her grandchildren (and great-grandchildren eventually).

I cannot forget the time na Pasko and she really wanted us to experience hanging Xmas socks para sa mga candies. She let us hang our socks at paggising namin may laman na syang mga candies. A for effort! We found out where she hid her candies anyway so meron mga candy sticks na bali bali pinapalitan namin haha..

Nung pumutok ang Mt. Pinatubo while we were all asleep. Nagulat daw sya paggising nya at bakit daw sandamakmak ang pulbo namin magkakapatid sa muka. Ang ash fall pala binigyan kami ng instant face powder! Grabe ash fall nun. Super kapal ng abo sa bubong so we all helped each other shoving the sands from our roofs. 

Nanay loved planting and taking care of animals. Tanda ko noon madami kami dogs and may halamanan kami sa likod-bahay. Famous ang monggong-alugbati ni Nanay kasi kami mismo uutusan nyang magharvest ng alugbati na ipangsasahog.

For those of us na may isip na during the piggery days ni Nanay, can't help but laugh now thinking back how we collect kaning-baboy sa mga kapitbahay para sa mga alagang baboy ni Nanay. Pagpupuyatan nya yan pag nanganganak. Kung siguro mga kabataan ngayon ang uutusan ni Nanay puro arte ang mapapala ni Nanay. 

Nanay would be the proudest kapag may achievement mga apo nya and would be saddest kapag nagpasaway. Sya talaga yung andyan lagi kahit ano pang drama meron ang pamilya.

I remember nung nabuntis ako out of wedlock, hindi nya ko sinermunan when she found out about it. Blurry na ang memory ko how she found out (but I can bet dahil may chismosang ibon na nagbulong) however I can remember that we were at our house and Nanay talked to my husband-to be then and I can clearly remember sabi nya "Wag mo pabayaan si Bunso" and she cried. That was a very emotional moment. Yung taong nagpalaki sayo, nag aruga and everything heto at di man lang nagalit sa nagawa mo.

When I was about to deliver my eldest, andun din sya. Part sya ng support group. Sinasabihan nya ko magtoothbrush ka na, maligo ka na, labhan mo panty mo, haha..laht yan during labor stage ako. I think para di ako mashadong magfocus sa pain.

I have a lot of stories to tell kay Nanay. Lahat ng bagay na alam ko ngayon alam ko sa kanya ko natutunan. Pagiging vain, pagiging kind of introvert, pagiging matapang kung kinakailangan, GMRC to the highest level. Lahat yan sa kanya ko natutunan.

We also know that she is a "aswang" or a "witch" kasi palaging parang alam nya ang lahat. 

Halimbawa nung bata ako, ayaw ko pa matulog, andami ko pa kasi iniisip na kung ano anong kalokohan then she would suddenly say "matulog ka na kung ano ano pa iniisp mo dyan" when I was closing my eyes naman hahaha even I was surprised that she knows that I am thinking of something.

Naririnig ko rin kay Mama noon na meron syang ritual to make Lolo go home na pag ka gabi na at wala pa sa bahay. She is from the visayan region and I think that is kind of a given na pag taga dun ka may mahika ka hehehe.

I have a lot of regrets din kay Nanay. I know I wasn't the best apo. I  know I didn't spend much or at least enough time with her sa twing nagbabakasyon ako sa Pinas. I know that hindi ko sya nagagawang tawagan madalas to check up on her. Trying to recall things I know I tried to do my best. I bought her some groceries, sometimes sent her some food or money but I know that those are not enough at all. Sabi nga nasa huli talaga ang pagsisisi.

We do hope that the time we spent with her before she finally left us paid off all the pagkukulang namin sa kanya. I know that 2 weeks of looking after her is not that much to compensate the things that she had done for us but I do hope and pray that she felt loved and appreciated until the last moment of her life.

Now all we can do I guess is to make sure na ang mauseleyo nya at ni Mama ay maganda at bongga. Nanay likes showing off too pero di lang halata hehehe. Some would say na hindi naman gusto ni Nanay sa *speed na gusto nya sa bayan kasama si Ate (our Mama) and Tatay. Since we were moving Mama to Godspeed as well hence the "gusto ko kasama ako ni A*" was resolved. Hindi nga lang sa bayan. The public cemetery sa bayan is so crowded that you will be hopping from one tomb to another just to reach Mama's old place. Pano pa yun kay Lolo na medyo mas nasa loob pa. How did they expect us to carry Nanay to her resting place (which was Mama's old place) sa hirap ng pagpasok papunta sa loob. Pag uugod ugod na ang lahat pano pa mabibisita ang puntod ni Nanay? Sa Godspeed nakamauseleyo. Madali puntahan walang kelangang tapakang nitso o tao!

I guess more than anything else, Nanay wants us all to be united. Para naman sa lahat yung decision hindi para sa iilan lang.

Mahal na mahal ka namin Nanay! I had a short dream about you but I can't really explain it well. Maybe you know how duwag I am so you did not show your face to me. You were just standing beside me and looking intently sa mag-lola na parang may song and dance number which I couldn't understand the language. Parang pinapalo nung lola yung apo nya. I felt like you are upset of how things are unfolding dun sa maglola although they are but singing lang naman, plus the lola looked like that she was following her apo's singing and words. Eventually you left and I moved to another seat kasi nga natatakot ako. Sorry Nay natatakot ako pero what can I do si Lolo nga po di na ko matandaan exactly ang muka kinakatakutan ko makita :(

I am sorry for all the things that we have done and not done for you Nay. I am sorry that I wasn't able to look at you right away kasi di ko matanggap agad na andun ka sa loob ng casket. I am sorry if I cannot touch your casket or stay for a long time beside your casket. I just have this chills na maybe because you were there lang sa tabi tabi and I can somehow feel it. However, I am glad that I did not feel you felt upset or anything unlike nung time na nakaburol si Mama. I can still recall that when Papa arrived during her wake, biglang kumunot noo ni Mama sa loob ng casket. I swear I saw it. I even told my eldest aunt that Mama looked like she suddenly frowned and she agreed. Afterwards, I sat beside Papa and tito M* and tita R* and at that time I felt a very upset energy (and tumataas talaga balahibo ko) near your casket. Dun sa room sa tapat ng casket ni Mama. It took at least 10 minutes siguro or at least until makaalis si Papa.I do believe in afterlife or spirits, I used to see some when I was a kid (meron nga yata ako previous post about it). 

Fortunately, I no longer have that "gift" however, I can still feel that weird feeling whenever something invisible is not around. Yung bigla ka na lang kikilabutan or alam mong may nakatingin. May time nga before that I can't look at funeral homes kasi parang may nakatingin din sakin.

I remember nung may sakit pa lang si Nanay. I had this weird feeling na ayaw ko pumunta sa bahay namin. I felt like someone is there. Although Abad (who can see spirits..aww!) confirmed that Mama never left the house and she is there all the time, I still have this scared feeling na ayaw ko umuwi ng bahay and I stayed where Nanay is staying. At that time there was a brown moth flying around the house so that added to my takot. I can't properly look at Mama's (and mine) old room for some reason I can't explain. Balisa nga ako matulog sa bahay. Parang di ko kaya magisa. 

Now thinking about it. I remember na nung buntis ako at 2 o 3 months pregnant ako I felt someone touched my lips while sleeping. Kasi ramdam ko yung lamig na dumapo sa labi ko and no one was there naman except pala sa boy ni ate ko na tulog naman sa kabilang kwarto and I am sure that it was not him cause I woke up right away. Napakaweird if it was him LOL. Baka kako si Mama binabati ako.

Speaking of moth, when we went back abroad after 2 weeks vacation to look after Nanay, I saw a small moth hanging around our bathroom curtain. Ewan but naweweirduhan ako sa kanya doon. I sprayed water on it and let it drown. If it was some spirit, sorry I killed it. I am kind of thinking that what if that moth is Nanay's spirit and I drowned it with water and so that is why her coughing came back and she worsened?? Will I really blame myself for what happened? Sana hindi naman di ba?! I think it was during that week also nag ring ang phone ko and it was D.A.'s phone calling me up. Stupid me answered it despite the fact that I just saw the phone sa room namin earlier. Walang sumasagot sa kabilang linya hence I hanged up then I realised my stupidity.  I went back to my room and saw the phone sitting on top of the mini fridge...until now palaisipan sakin how it did call me kasi naka lock naman ang iphone and it needs passcode in order to dial..there is no way (or nothing that I know of) na mada dial ang phone without anyone touching it.

When I was packing things to travel to Philippines for Nanay's wake and funeral. Di naman ako mapakali kasi parang I have this weird feeling na naman when I am looking dun sa papuntang bathroom ko. Maybe someone, it could be Mama or Nanay, is there. I don't know why banyo? Maybe because they know na paborito kong lugar ang banyo loooool. Meron akong black butterfly stickers sa banyo namin as a decor. I have now removed them kasi para akong naweweirduhan. Baka kaya andun yung moth kasi may black butterflies dun..hmp!]

White moth flew on the wall when I was talking to my cousins during our first night sa pagbabantay kay Nanay. Since then I haven't gone back sa 2nd floor ni Mameh G. Afraid that I might see the white moth again. There were 2 white butterflies flying around the house during Nanay's funeral. There was a brown moth during her wake. There was a white butterfly on the first night of her wake, despite that it is raining...

Butterflies and moths...small but scary being!  

Nay salamat sa lahat ng memories, lessons at happines na binigay mo sa amin. Isa kang dakilang lola sa bawat isa sa amin. Hinding hindi ka namin makakalimutan and know that you are always deep in our hearts. Ikaw at si Mama! Never will be forgotten! It's been so long since I last heard your voice but yung ungol mo na pagsagot sa amin before ka nawala and the heat of your hand na hawak ko during naka coma ka ay palaging fresh sa aking isipan. Mahal na mahal kita Nay kahit ano pang sabihin nila na dapat noon pa ipinadama sayo. Alam ko Nay na alam mo sa puso mo kung gano ka kahalaga sa bawat isa. May God welcome you in Heaven alongside Mama Mary and Mama!


To end this, I would like to say...I am sorry and I love you Nay!